Friends With Benefits: Is it a Good Idea?

Friends With Benefits arrangements are increasingly part of conversations around modern relationships, particularly among young people seeking intimacy without the expectations of a committed relationship.

While the term is commonly associated with sexual intimacy, the “benefits” people seek from such arrangements can vary, including companionship, emotional support, psychological comfort, practical assistance and sexual intimacy.

However, when sex becomes part of an existing friendship, psychologists say the arrangement can become complicated because emotional attachment, expectations and boundaries may not always remain as straightforward as they initially appear.

Psychologist Jeff Wekesa explains that many young people enter such arrangements because they want companionship and sexual relations while maintaining their independence.

“For most young people entering into such arrangements, they may want companionship and sexual relations while maintaining autonomy,” Wekesa says.

Why Friends With Benefits Appeal to Young People

Beyond the desire for intimacy, Wekesa identifies economic pressures as another factor that can shape how some young people approach long-term relationships.

He points to the cost of living, unemployment and financial uncertainty as circumstances that can make marriage and other long-term commitments appear less attainable.

At the same time, the psychologist links changing relationship expectations to the influence of social media, which exposes young people to different models of intimacy and commitment.

More importantly, Wekesa cautions that the desire to avoid commitment may sometimes be connected to emotional concerns rather than simply a preference for casual relationships.

“But more often than not the term ‘no commitment’ is actually a way of avoiding emotional vulnerability, loneliness or the responsibilities tied to having a committed relationship,” he says.

For Shamiri Fellow Hildah Atieno Wangore, the appeal can also come from wanting intimacy or companionship without taking on the responsibilities and expectations associated with a committed relationship.

“Some people may want intimacy and companionship but may not be ready for the responsibilities, expectations, or emotional commitment that come with a committed relationship,” Wangore says.

In Wangore’s assessment, loneliness, curiosity, attraction and the desire for closeness can also influence the decision.

She notes that an existing friendship may provide trust and familiarity, which can make sexual intimacy appear easier to navigate.

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When Sex Changes the Friendship

Once sexual intimacy enters an existing friendship, Wekesa explains that the emotional dynamics can change even when both parties initially agree to keep the arrangement casual.

According to the psychologist, physical intimacy can lead one person to develop stronger feelings, jealousy or expectations while the other remains emotionally detached.

That difference, Wekesa observes, can leave both people uncertain about the nature of their relationship.

“The friendship then becomes utterly confusing and questions like, Are we still friends? Are we moving on to become partners?” Wekesa says.

Wangore similarly points to the emotional foundation already present in a friendship. She notes that trust, familiarity and an existing connection can influence how each person responds when sex becomes part of the relationship.

Although some friendships may survive or even become closer, Wangore cautions that different levels of emotional attachment can make it difficult for the two people to return to the relationship they had before.

The Conversations That Should Come First

Before entering a Friends With Benefits arrangement, Wekesa recommends that both parties should discuss what they expect from it.

His suggested areas include contraception, STI testing and protection, whether either person is seeing other people, emotional boundaries, and what should happen if one person develops feelings or wants to end the arrangement.

Wangore also emphasizes discussing boundaries, expectations, exclusivity, sexual health, and each person’s comfort level before proceeding.

On consent, the Shamiri Fellow stresses that an earlier agreement does not remove the need for consent during future interactions.

“Being friends or having agreed to something before does not mean someone has automatically agreed to everything at every moment,” she says.

Without these discussions, both experts identify unclear expectations as a potential source of jealousy, feelings of betrayal, emotional distress, unplanned pregnancy, and sexual health risks.

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When Should Someone End the Arrangement?

Over time, Wekesa identifies consistent jealousy, emotional dependency and the expectation that sex will eventually persuade the other person to pursue a committed relationship as warning signs.

The psychologist also advises paying attention when the arrangement begins affecting mental health, other relationships, work or studies.

A young Black couple sitting apart on a sofa in complete silence, portraying relationship tension. PHOTO/ Wavebreakmedia Ltd / Dreamstime

From Wangore’s perspective, anxiety, jealousy, confusion, feeling used or pressured, and emotional exhaustion can also indicate that the arrangement is no longer working for someone involved.

When a person decides to leave, Wangore recommends honest and respectful communication rather than remaining in the arrangement because of pressure or obligation.

“Someone should never feel obligated to continue an arrangement that no longer feels right for them,” Wangore says.

Can Friends With Benefits Survive?

Looking at the issue as a whole, Wekesa and Wangore do not describe Friends With Benefits as automatically good or bad.

Their analysis instead focuses on whether both people genuinely want the same arrangement, understand its boundaries and communicate when their feelings or circumstances change.

Wekesa notes that even when both people initially agree to keep things casual, emotional attachment can alter the nature of the friendship.

The psychologist further explains that ending the sexual aspect may require some distance, particularly where the relationship has already changed emotionally.

“It is difficult to return to exactly the same friendship you had before sex. A lot of changes may have to occur,” he says.

For young people considering such an arrangement, the experts emphasise clear communication, mutual respect, ongoing consent and honesty about emotional wellbeing.

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A photo of friends having a “Chit chat”. PHOTO/ Getty Images